A special place in hell

Scene:

Present Perfect in downtown Portland.

I am trying to purchase a card for a co-worker. The lady working at the store takes note of my pregnancy and decides she needs to start commenting on it.

Evil Old Lady: So, are you having a summer baby?

Me: [Realizing what is coming] Yes. August.

Evil Old Lady: “August!! By the looks of you, it could be a spring baby! Are you sure there aren’t TWO in there?”

Me: Uh, no. Just one. She is big.

Evil Old Lady: It’s a she? What’s her name?

Me: Holland

Evil Old Lady: Holland? Are you going to call her “Holland Oats?” [laughs]

Me: [speechless]

Evil Old Lady: Have you heard that one yet?

Me: Uh…no. [Slowly backs away from the lady and exits the store.]

Pregnancy still sucks

Week 25. Last night I googled “videos of childbirth.” BIG MISTAKE. As badly as I want this to be over, actually thinking about how it is really going to end doesn’t help the situation any. Today was beautiful and warm out. It was depressing. The weather is getting warmer and by the time summer hits, I will be well into my third trimester, and probably as miserable as ever. I have an entire summer ahead of me of doing nothing and not having fun ever. Nothing fits me in my closet anymore, and I couldn’t fit into a single thing at Forever 21 today.  I haven’t really bought clothes from anywhere else in years.  I don’t know where to buy maternity clothes that don’t TOTALLY SUCK. Everything at Mimi Maternity is really overpriced. The maternity section at Target is so bad it’s actually funny. The clothes are HUGE and boxy, with these obnoxious prints all over everything. NOTHING is long enough for me anywhere. It is time to get serious about maternity clothes shopping. I may be miserable, but I will be damned if I will look like some frumpy fat ass on top of it.

I heart being pregnant

JK. I am sitting here on my couch watching the cats lick eachother. They are friends! They never do it when I have my camera handy, though. I had to leave work early today because I have felt sick all week and today it finally caught up with me. According to the internet, my uterus is the size of a soccer ball. I can feel said uterus under my rib cage and it makes me naseous.  Literally, it makes me naseous, not just the thought of it. I am a month away from my third trimester. Can’t wait!

In other news, I finally got a computer of my very own, which is pretty much the most exciting thing that has happend to me in, oh, about 6 months. I made chili this week and it turned out AMAZING. Oh, and the Office is on tonight. Wow, i lead an exciting life.

To close, I would like to introduce a new feature called “Rude Things Complete Strangers Have Said to Me This Week.”

“What does your husband do?” Oh, I am not married, but thanks old man I don’t know. Please pray for my illegitimate child!

“You are due in AUGUST?! But you are SO BIG! Are you having TWINS?” Thanks Safeway Checker Lady. I appreciate your concern. Please rot in hell.

Diet Coke No More

So, I have decided to give up diet coke again. Of all the bad habits I had to stop when I found out I was pregnant, diet coke has been the most difficult, which kind of surprises me. And makes me wonder what exactly is in it that makes it so damn addictive. I managed to stop drinking it for about the first three months of my pregnancy, but then decided I could have it in small amounts. It went from me really appreciating the small amount I got to have, to now, again, being totally addicted and drinking too much. The past couple weeks I have been feeling more guilty about it, and not even about the caffeine. Seriously: WHAT IS EVEN IN DIET COKE?? I don’t mind putting weirdo fake sugar chemicals into my body, but I don’t think it is good for the baby. While I am nowhere even NEAR the levels I was drinking pre-pregnancy, I still feel guilty. Also, the past few times I have drank it, I have felt sick after, which tells me Holland isn’t liking it either. So, I will add it to the list of things I am looking forward to reacquainting myself with this September.

Adios, Diet Coke.

I hate you, wordpress

I just spent most of my lunch posting a blog about my presents from Lindsey and Quinn, and stupid Wordpress deleted it when I published it.

 I will try again later.