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alexiarudolph — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 07:32:39 +0000

The first day I took Holland to daycare I wanted to cry. I wanted to, but I managed to restrain myself. Something about seeing her laying there in her crib, looking at me, happy and smiling, with not a clue in the world, made me want to cry. I was leaving, and she had no idea. I had been looking forward to going back to work for AGES. It was long overdue and I was bored out of my mind. Regardless, leaving her there was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Years ago if you would have asked me what my “plan” was, it definitely wouldn’t have been “I live with my mom and have to leave my baby at daycare all day so I can go to work.” It probably would have been more like, “I stay at home with my baby while my husband goes to work and supports us. Also, we have a pool. And a housekeeper. And daily pedicures.” Clearly, I didn’t plan well.

This was my first week back to work and I freaking LOVED IT. My old plan of staying at home with my baby? HA! Three days a week of work? Give me seven days. I wanted to be there on my days OFF. I hadn’t even realized how much I missed working. I don’t do well with unstructured time (in case you haven’t noticed.) I love being back at work and I LOVE my new position there. It’s definitely weird…being gone for three months and then coming back. Everything is different. My job is different, the company is different, the setup is different…even the people are different. But I love being there, and being myself again. I walk around downtown and I am not pregnant and I don’t have a baby with me. I go to lunch, I run some errands, I get a diet coke, and at no time do I have a crying baby or a carseat or diapers or anything. I am just Alexia, walking around, back where I belong. It is so nice to finally have my identity back. And being back downtown, back where I belong, during the fall…tonight I left work and thought that maybe I wouldn’t go home. I wanted to go out for drinks with my friends, out to have fun and stay out late and not have any responsibility besides getting myself home by two or three AM and then back to work by eight again. I didn’t want to get on the bus to Vancouver, I wanted to get on the bus back to one year ago, and do what I was doing then, before I was pregnant, before I had a baby and before I had no money and before I had all the problems in the world. I talked to Emily on the phone when I was on the bus on the way home about all the fun things we did last fall and thought about how much I would like to have fun again someday.

Then I got home and saw my baby, and listened to my mom tell me what the daycare told her when she picked her up, and I was jealous that I can’t pick her up, and frustrated that she DOESN’T ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS of them, and I never know exactly what I want to know. She has a mark on her face! Where did that come from? Why is she dressed in a different outfit than the one I dropped her off in??? She is making different noises now than she was yesterday and I have no idea what she did all day. She seems so different tonight than she did this morning. Ugh. I am a total failure.

Nothing is more frustrating than having two sides to your life and not being able to fully live either of them.

Itsy Bitsy Baby » portland

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